IS BEING RIGHT OVERRATED? YES, AND HERE'S WHY?
Share this post: A Relational situation requires mindfulness, being engaged, centered, grounded with clarity and kindness. Anything other than being relational is wanting to be right, whether you're arguing ,disengaging, ghosting, or just being silent means you are doing nothing to relate. Then the goal goes from relationship to stalemate, one persons right makes another person wrong. I define codependency as the loss of self by caring and doing more for others than you do for yourself, that's not the problem because that's our duty on this earth, finding and honoring the gifts given to us for a path we chose separately however only to come together with others and help each other rise to the occasion. The problem is with disconnected beings who want to be right, makes one or more people wrong. When we try to control things, people and situations we lose control more importantly of ourselves. Our state of consciousness is unique to each individual, that individuals upbringing is based on family building structures, philosophies, ideology, loyalty, religion, culture, politics and more, which consequentially formulates their identity and who they are as an individual. There are no two energies, patterns or signals exactly alike, we have variations however, limited consciousness forms and is constructed by disconnected beings who have limited perspectives and ideologies created by others to reprogram you for their benefit, behavior, comfort and use. The codependency roots take hold of our children and manifests itself throughout our body, latching on to every moving energy within them stopping them in their tracks with nothing left but what their parents desire them to be or expect. It's no wonder we have lost children posing as men and women, believe me I was a brat until I was about 40, then it’s time to check in with your dignity and morals.
Generations were taught and raised, to literally punish others when their needs were not met or when others wouldn't see things our way, including children, by ignoring. Yes, there are many parents who created a space for their children to express themselves, I am a child of the eighties, so I can only share with you what I have also experienced. Caught between the crossfire of "kids are to be seen and not to be heard" and "Express Yourself" by Madonna. Lots of mixed signals and rebellion on the rise. Having my own children, I learned early on, my kids are my allies, not my enemies. Kids don't misbehave or disrespect, they react to being misunderstood and they get angry because they feel unheard and rejected when the effort isn't made to guide them through with answers. I certainly had question after question when my mother or father couldn't see the possibility in things that I saw. Did they care?, No, do I blame them?, No, I get it now, but not then.there are moments in life where everything changes in an adults life that changes them forever, kids too, such as death, divorce, arguing, fights, drugs, alcohol abuse, domestic violence the list goes on... in a Childs little world, they don't have much, so what they do have means everything to them, just like a manicure or a small relief break for us... not getting their need, makes a difference for them too.
How?, I can only express what kids I've interviewed, ages 3-10, have shared with me and 95% all felt the same way I did, and I am sure we all did at one time or another. Sad, afraid, scared, mad , not sure, ignored, one said, "scared of the dark but my mommy said just go to bed and I was really really scared" as an adult yes we know they'll get over it one day, but they don't know that unless we explain. I have a pretty good memory but for the sake of my children they may have heard it differently non the less, their fear was addressed and it went something like this, My Daughter age 4: "stay here don't leave, Im scared" Me: "Awe, why are you scared?" My Daughter: "because I think saw a monster" by this age they've played pretend and so they have learned how to act and how to exaggerate. Bedtime is never a good time for play but, just play along... I did, this is what I would say...Me: "What?" you think a monster was in here, huh, monsters can't come here without asking permission, and they are not allowed here, I'm getting the monster spray (fill a spray bottle with H2O slap a monsters Inc sticker on it or whatever works for you ), I'd spray it and say "they can't come in here with that spray"! It takes about 5min. Whaaalah...rather than sometimes up to abhor of going back and forth. The point Is, let them know you get them. That's all I did was address their questions in their language, It shows understanding. By then I had the patience because. I realized I had already done a lot of explaining and a lot of cleaning up completed with my oldest son. I did it and it was worth it, because my son then and my two kids I had after were worth it.
By no means am I judging I was selfish, and irritated, but never neglectful. I also used that as an excuse to be irritated and selfish so yes being a mother is selfless, I found a way that was so much easier than how I was raised and it worked. I want to share this because, we suffer in silence as children, later in life as well, we lose ourselves to people we betray our trust. Let your children be right about who they are and what they feel, I am not saying everyone does and their are degrees, however, we can learn so much more in the state of wonderment, exploring and understanding mores than we do being right.
There was a lot of times I would grin and bare it more like. grit my teeth and bare it...cross my fingers, pray and say "I Do" trust my father God always watches over us when we believe, all is well. For you it could be the light, universe, the Divine, whoever it is for you. I remember as a kid I would think, why so many restrictions? Why do people say mean things to each other, why this? Why that? How this? How that? When I finally got it through my thick skull, my oldest was eight years old, I realized it was all fear based because I couldn't have a child misbehave, it is a reflection of me, what would people think. I finally said I need help, self-help. That's when I read and learned everything I could about raising confident boys, because I had another on the way. I read a lot about narcissism, I thought pffft! Ill see that a mile away, I didn't and I definitely wanted to make sure I didn't raise men who hurt, or disrespect women anymore . Although this article isn't about narcissist, it has everything to do with how we respond to our children is how they will respond to the world in relationships, people and how they operate in life. When we want to be right, we take who they are from them.
